Saturday, August 18, 2018
I had this powerful realization today. I have been in a black depression, unable to move, in incredible pain with my mind playing my life through a lens of gloom and doom. This after experiencing myself for five years as The Devine Shakti imagining Heaven on Earth. Now I can no longer feel the Divine Love that guided me every step of the way. I can no longer imagine a future for myself. I never had to, I just followed the inner voice.
In real life I experienced this inner Voice with a good deal of anxiety. Was I listening or being motivated by my less conscious automatic programming? I was profoundly conscious of how people wanted me to think or act. I always tried to act with what felt true to me in that moment. The voice told me what to read, what to listen to, what work to do, who to love, how to love. In the darkness the voice is gone. I cannot figure out what to do with myself. I have no desire, no excitement, no pull, no push, dead in the water.
Today the Strands came together. The ordinary, the hell and the heaven. Everything I have experienced, in whatever state I had experience, conscious, dreaming, or manic is part of me. To my body and my being it is just experience. An altered state creates an altered experience but it is just as real an experience. Every experience is translated in our mind, shaped to fit the master story we use to understand it.
The real life experience is the one where I did everything, interacted in normal ways, had a career, a family. My passions were the Love of the Divine and a profound interest in the Evolution of Consciousness. My heroes were many but the most powerful were Teilhard de Chardin, the first, and Sri Aurobindo, the last. There were countless others. The voice had me reading prolifically, often out loud. I meditated, did yoga. Tai Chi, running, swimming, skiing, hiking, gardening, knitting, cooking. My life always felt trustworthy and good. When I review my life from the Divine perspective, everything appears just as it should. Every choice brought an experience and prevented an alternative.
From the darkness, I replay my life through the basest interpretation of my motives. I was self centered, grasping, and luring people into unhealthy relationships with me. I am crazy. I am Bi-Polar. I have MS and this wicked insanity inducing pain in my tail bone. I can barely stand, I need help with almost everything I do. I have no desire, no interest, no center, no will to live.
But today they came together. One life viewed through three lenses: the Shadow, the Gift and the Siddhi, to borrow a construct from Richard Rudd in The Gene Keys. You work through the Shadow to expand into gifts which ripen into power of wholeness, the Siddhi. I became a master of QuickBooks, a master in loving, a master knitter and countless other small but gratifying skills, my gifts. Gradually my body and mind slipped away. For years I spent hours in trance and
Silence, immersed in an ecstatic dream like state, happy but dysfunctional in the real world. A future Divine life about to manifest.
When I landed, I hit rock bottom and saw my life through others eyes. Not pretty. But today I felt the Strands collapse, they are each part of me. I understand that my being needed to experience the darkness. It was not enough only to intellectually understand that light and dark are two sides of one coin. Or perhaps three Strands in a swirling cord of meaning where there is one life and three lenses. Terror fear, deep shame and guilt have never played a big part in my life, but I got an intense crash course. I had an lovely happy ordinary life and a blissful mystical life, all experiences. I am not my experiences but they shape into the many faceted being that I am. I can feel life flowing back into me. I am curious to see how my body perceives integrating.....the Siddhi? Union?