I had this powerful realization today. I have been in a black depression, unable to move, in incredible pain with my mind playing my life through a lens of gloom and doom. This after experiencing myself for five years as The Devine Shakti imagining Heaven on Earth. Now I can no longer feel the Divine Love that guided me every step of the way. I can no longer imagine a future for myself. I never had to, I just followed the inner voice.
In real life I experienced this inner Voice with a good deal of anxiety. Was I listening or being motivated by my less conscious automatic programming? I was profoundly conscious of how people wanted me to think or act. I always tried to act with what felt true to me in that moment. The voice told me what to read, what to listen to, what work to do, who to love, how to love. In the darkness the voice is gone. I cannot figure out what to do with myself. I have no desire, no excitement, no pull, no push, dead in the water.
Today the Strands came together. The ordinary, the hell and the heaven. Everything I have experienced, in whatever state I had experience, conscious, dreaming, or manic is part of me. To my body and my being it is just experience. An altered state creates an altered experience but it is just as real an experience. Every experience is translated in our mind, shaped to fit the master story we use to understand it.
The real life experience is the one where I did everything, interacted in normal ways, had a career, a family. My passions were the Love of the Divine and a profound interest in the Evolution of Consciousness. My heroes were many but the most powerful were Teilhard de Chardin, the first, and Sri Aurobindo, the last. There were countless others. The voice had me reading prolifically, often out loud. I meditated, did yoga. Tai Chi, running, swimming, skiing, hiking, gardening, knitting, cooking. My life always felt trustworthy and good. When I review my life from the Divine perspective, everything appears just as it should. Every choice brought an experience and prevented an alternative.
From the darkness, I replay my life through the basest interpretation of my motives. I was self centered, grasping, and luring people into unhealthy relationships with me. I am crazy. I am Bi-Polar. I have MS and this wicked insanity inducing pain in my tail bone. I can barely stand, I need help with almost everything I do. I have no desire, no interest, no center, no will to live.
But today they came together. One life viewed through three lenses: the Shadow, the Gift and the Siddhi, to borrow a construct from Richard Rudd in The Gene Keys. You work through the Shadow to expand into gifts which ripen into power of wholeness, the Siddhi. I became a master of QuickBooks, a master in loving, a master knitter and countless other small but gratifying skills, my gifts. Gradually my body and mind slipped away. For years I spent hours in trance and
Silence, immersed in an ecstatic dream like state, happy but dysfunctional in the real world. A future Divine life about to manifest.
When I landed, I hit rock bottom and saw my life through others eyes. Not pretty. But today I felt the Strands collapse, they are each part of me. I understand that my being needed to experience the darkness. It was not enough only to intellectually understand that light and dark are two sides of one coin. Or perhaps three Strands in a swirling cord of meaning where there is one life and three lenses. Terror fear, deep shame and guilt have never played a big part in my life, but I got an intense crash course. I had an lovely happy ordinary life and a blissful mystical life, all experiences. I am not my experiences but they shape into the many faceted being that I am. I can feel life flowing back into me. I am curious to see how my body perceives integrating.....the Siddhi? Union?
In 2013 I began an intense downloading of a radical vision of the end of Time, as we know it. I experienced a glimpse of how we can come to know what is emerging, Heaven on Earth.
Enveloped in a Love so profound it defies description, I saw images from Biblical Revelations, Shiva/Shakti in Divine Union. I saw multitudes of Muslims praying, calling in the descent of the Divine. I saw millions yearning for respite, calling for the beauty they sense but cannot yet see. Jewish prophecies fulfilled, star beings and Angels descending. The yearnings met, but simply, ordinary and already present, beginning to unfold like the petals of a flower.
Consciousness blooming, Love manifesting through us, as us. Here now, hidden in front of us, inside us, all around us. Every one of us part Angel, part Human, poised to emerge as Whole Humans.
The long, slow process seemed to be weaving together every strand of human knowing I had ever heard of, a wild medley of patterns. I cannot rationally justify anything I am trying to describe here but I am seeing stronger and stronger evidence of something new every day in books, art, science, business and in new ways of reading history. The vision I glimpsed is growing, slowly and in spite of the lack of a shared understanding of the radical potential. It will emerge anyway. It will grow the way new leaves come out in the spring and spread like mycelium between us. This work does not attempt to change the status quo, it leaps beyond it through minds that are not limited by the past even when they build upon it.
We are poised to understand just how magnificent and potent the force pulling us together is. Truly unimaginable, yet imagined for thousands of years. The mystery peeks out from every book, song, dance and scientific theory wrestled from the Imaginal Realm into form, shaped by the structures offered by time but pulling from the timeless and manifesting into Time, the never ending flow of spirit.
It rests on the other side of the barrier in our brain that stops our mind at the limits of rational thought, at what we can know and learn within that paradigm. The call of the future beckons us to listen with more of our senses, more of our intuition and more of our heart. Within the connections between us the future manifests as form. If we surrender to the love of life, curiosity and connections, new vistas magically appear. We cannot use effort or anxiety to pass this gate, the keys are curiosity, love and the courage to meet the future with empty hands, open to the insight and wisdom pouring through each of us as we meet each question together with shared mind, open to the new, building on the known with gifts from the, as yet, unknown.
I didn't believe it either, I still don't. But I have been humbled enough to share the vision, crazy as it seems. Words were not adequate, they still are not, but perhaps they speak in ways I cannot understand.
I wrote this essay on March 28, 2013. On April 1st, 2013 I began "downloading" massive quantities of energy and information. The intensity continued for days until I became psychotic and my frantic husband called an ambulance. I ended up in the County Mental Health Facility until two friends, an MD and a therapist convinced them I was sane. We had been meeting for months in a group studying Transparent Communication with Thomas Hübl.
After five years of rebuilding my personality and integrating the onslaught of information that descended so powerfully in 2013, I feel ready to share. Assimilating this kind of information is made particularly difficult because we have no shared cultural structure that acknowledges the validity of "knowing" that doesn't involve thinking. I have studied the workings of my own mind for many years, aided by the voluminous writings on this topic by Sri Aurobindo. At the intuitive level we tap what I perceive as shared mind. If I am deeply immersed in an area of human endeavor, I tap the collective mind of people who also share my intense interest: science with other scientists, musicians with other musicians, mystics with other mystics, etc.
I watched two documentaries that set me thinking about how our values impact community, how we do business and how we live our personal lives. The Makers and King, viewed together, offered a powerful picture of how the shift in values changed the world profoundly. In 1960 it would have been of impossible to imagine an African American as President of the United States or to conceive of the powerful roles women now play in both business and government. But as I watched these documentaries I could feel the journey isn't over. The power of love that Dr. King invoked and the real Power of Love that mothers have championed since the beginning of time must be acknowledged and incorporated into all aspects of our lives. We cannot abandon our children, the elderly or less able while we work in the world. If we do we will soon have nowhere to come home to. We must redefine work and we must redefine home.
We have honored the Father. Clarity, efficiency, material abundance, innovation, strength and stability are values that men and women strive to achieve. But the values of the Mother are relegated to our "spare time." They are not seen as real work. Yet without these most important values, nothing else matters. If home no longer sustainably exists, why are we doing all this?
The Mothers, throughout time, have held one role that we abandon at immense peril to our wellbeing and our Wholeness. The Mothers supported and sustained the field of love we all grew up in or suffered so incalculably without that it is hard to meaningfully engage in life. This is a love so tangible that once you experience it, you can't imagine life without it.
We cannot make life too busy to care for our children or each other. Any man or woman who holds a newborn child or the hand of a dying parent, has any doubt about what is most important in life. The bond of love trumps everything. Love is a living force, it cannot be started, it cannot be stopped. It is who we are and why we are here. Pretending love is only private and personal; while public and economic are "real life" is misguided at best, suicidal in the long term.
Love must inform and sustain every aspect of our lives. As we have honored the Father, so must we honor the Mother. Women have taken to the role of Father, but both women and men struggle to honor the Mother. Working all day, then figuring out how to feed, much less nourish each other becomes impossible to do well. This challenge appears in different forms if you are affluent and overworked or poor and underemployed, but the suffering is nearly universal and it doesn't have to be this way.
We experience the present moment as the point in time between this moment and the last moment, or today and tomorrow, or the past and the future. But what does it FEEL like? Our minds have been structured to perceive time as linear. Time is not "real," it is a construction, just as our ability to perceive the physical world is a mental construct where our minds translate the vibrational experience of perceiving a pattern of atomic particles as a cat, or a black and white being eating dinner.
Time is not linear? Imagine that time is a Mobius Strip. One side of the strip is time going from this moment back and the other side is time going from this moment forward. The point in the middle is always the present, where the Mobius Strip twists into a figure 8, or an infinity sign.
At this moment, your only perception of the past is your memory, including your memory of everything you have been told by someone else. Your only perceptions of the future are in your imagination.
In navigating the current moment we effortlessly weave our current perception of past and future together, view the options before us through this ever shifting perceptual lens and act. As we move to take action, our options are shaped by everyone and everything also influencing the manifestation of this moment. Together, we manifest a world, which we then proceed to understand through our limited lens. It feels a bit like driving blindfolded, a lot of uncomfortable crashing into all the things you didn't see.
But what if there is an easier way? We actually have innate capacities to navigate the present moment. Many of these gifts cannot be perceived through our overly narrow perceptions of what is possible. This is necessary and unavoidable. If we are confronted by circumstances or ways of seeing we cannot yet integrate, our first duty is to feel safe. We need to gradually build scaffolding that will support us as we climb to ever expanding vistas. Just as our understanding of how to build very tall buildings has grown to the point that most of us can't imagine how all those buildings stand up normally, much less how they can survive hurricanes, earthquakes and wear and tear over time, human beings have developed sophisticated, yet profoundly simple ways to live in the wholeness without drowning.
It is a bit like swimming....you have to surrender and trust that you are held....
The essence of each of us is Divine. That means we are inextricably one with everything that is. The experience of this Oneness is Silence, Stillness, no thoughts, just Presence. Moving from here is effortless, a sense of being moved or carried. But, like swimming, it takes practice to achieve mastery, the point where you can be "swum," where your body and mind know what balance feels like and everything in you aligns automatically with what feels right. After mastering the music, the Music masters you.
In April, 2013, I died and went Home, or so I thought. I was convinced Time had ended; humanity had learned enough to be able to live Heaven on Earth. Everything that always mattered to me was weaving together in a radiant whole. The years of fascination with literature and art, science and mysticism, family and business made sense. Dualities were collapsing, integrating, nothing was "other.' Hinduism, Christianity, Buddhism, Shamanism, together with Art and Science were all attempts to understand a seamless whole. In essence they supported and enriched each other, sustained by an Imaginal realm that fed all of them. Human creativity and curiosity had questioned, experimented and expanded until the unity became obvious. the love was overwhelming.....
So overwhelming that I ended up on antipsychotic drugs in the County Mental Health facility kissing people's hands and calling them Beloved. I came out of it smelling strongly like a corpse, but I was still here, positive that the world as we knew it was ending in a glorious transition to a life of love and beauty.
Apparently, the transition was less obvious to everyone else....
this is a picture of me with my Grandson Anders. It is now October, 2017..
It has been over four years but I am back in present time. It has been an amazing journey. I felt caught between eternity and time but the two have melded now. Past, present and future are no longer linear, but an undulating Mobius strip that is NOW. A bit disorienting, but it is beginning to make sense....
Today I am overwhelmed with gratitude, feeling profoundly blessed. I have always been blessed but I didn't always know it. I have the odd sensation of having lived backwards. My entire life has been guided by profound love, as if my Awake self was coaching me every step of the way, assisted by Angels disguised as family, friends, co-workers, clients and neighbors. I have the sense that we are all here playing out the last acts of a Divine play, part actor, part Angel, playing a script we are not yet conscious of. Some of us play the Good Guy, some the Bad, as the Whole transcends the polarities that have sharpened our Consciousness until it is possible to live in peace and prosperity on this beautiful planet.....